my brain...

[my brain] this tittle may seem weird to some people but actually wad i wanna say is da i kinda dislike of brain , apart of not doing well in academy i really dislike my brain is because i think alot . once i'm settled down , million of thoughts will came shooting into my brain. basically , the content of thoughts is jus something which is negative , to be pacific, is reflecting about de behaviour jus now and things that i regreted doing it. and from there it will start linking and linking and suddenly million of thoughts will form in my brain. haiiz such complex brain really makes me crazy and irritated sometimes.

i jus came back from my gym with my friends . reason why i wanna go gym simply because I WANNA BE FIT!!! anyway during de outing i wasn't really happy. i hav no idea why . but i am sure is not because of de [people]. on the way back home , i took a bus home and on that 20 min short ride , i ''developed'' zillion of thoughts in my mind.

so i gonna share part of my thoughts to U and readers should be honoured cause i dun really share my thoughts with people =) SO OPEN UR EYES!



during de gym session my friends went eat and i did not eat cause i wanna go on diet and at de same time save money. i saw my friends eating and i was rfeally tempt lorz. but with my strong will i was able to restrict myself from eating but it is really a hard time controlling it. so from there i can finally understand people who go on diet. at first i really dun understand people going on diet, i felt that going on diet is stupid , i mean like wad for u wanna go on diet , isn't de main purpose is to look better? but i was wrong , it is more than jus looking good.....

another thoughts was that i feel that i was not able to be trueful to my blog. i need to hide things. actually i wanna write something wan but i was not able to share it with my friends. i realized that in my sec school i cannot share stuff which is really deep down. but in pri school , i at least hav one people to share. but now i dun think i am able to share things to that person i had shared to in my primary de same, mainly is because of wad had happen to me in sec school . i realized that all my feeling kept deep inside the door of my heart are slowly destroying me and corrupting me. self-esteem . confident . evverything. and that is de reason why i ''hate'' social with people. is because i am sort of scared to talk to people. i have no idea why . only friends that is close and for some reason i am also have no fear in talking to people with ''harmless heart'' da i think. people da i am able to talk with no fears and feeling confortable to talk to is all from my situ family. jin wei!!! samuel !!! and kian boon(shockingly) maybe kian boon is probably da kind of person with ''harmless heart''
linking back to why i cannot share my feelings to any1 is because as u can see i am able to talk to 3 person freely , in that 3 person , jin wei too playful not da kind that i am able to talk to. samuel will not take regard of my words and some how spread secret so not really trustable. lastly kian boon , still have some distance between us and i dun think he is da kind of person i am able to talk to also. thus , i hav no one to talk to. i practically jus lonely but may seem alright on de outer =)
some how i am really ''proud'' da i am able to act so well da everyone thinks that i am ok. but is better this way also.
i guess i'll share until here. anyway i dun think any1 wants to know also . and people will be jus sick of seeing me whining it and being sad everytime. anyway i had treated this as my personal blog . i dun care if any1 wanna see my blog any more. wad people will see is jus entry which is sad and emo so not to see my blog isn't a better choice lol.....


[my blog's ''colour'' is getting duller and duller....]

m

haizz today is my first day attend choir . wad i meant by first day was da , it had been really a long time since i come to choir because of some reason i was not able to join SYF , so i was excused for coming to choir during da period and now is my first day of coming.

de disappointing result of de SYF really made my heart sank as because this is de veri las year i hav SYF and in the end.....zzzz anyway i am glad that i had attend choir today , i dunno why la i feel kinda happy maybe i am trying to repay choir or something. anyway today session was actually a farewell party for choir teacher, mdn shanti . she is gonna leave choir and leave de school today. haizz so sad. who is ''replacing'' her was someone who is super white and someone da people dun like.
i have fun during da session . hope da de rest of de days in choir will be a enjoyable one. =)

haizz nowadays i really think alot sia..... i wanna do something crazy in front of everyone . i wanna do something that amazed everyone . i wanna made people be proud of me!!!! ha ha maybe i am jus crazy. dunno why lah i wanna people to recongnized my effort and believing me. maybe i am facing people who is looking down on me. probably....


''I WANNA SING!! I WANNA DANCE !!!!''

haizz being sick for de past two school days is so boring... haizz hope there isn't any changes or happenings in school without me =) so sad lorz de past two days no one called me and ask me how am i lorz. haizz poor thing.....anyway recently i go to one of my primary school friend's blog and right in front of her blog was a video. it is a music video . de song is [gee] by generation girls. starting when i listen to it . it was super irritating. but slowly it is getting nicer and nicer. anyway jus to say da this song is so nice and i kinda luv it !!! try to listen to it readers =)

summary on this week ,is really boring nothing interesting happened nor anything funny to make me laugh about i think is not only this week nia lorz it has been like everyday like this lorz. haizz really someday i hope something interesting happen. wad i meant about interesting is like something incredible happened like things da happened in anime . my eng teacher told us to write a journal on de lesson and i wrote something about my life , in the content i stated that things seem to be going repeating in the sense da everything seem the same every single , was as if being trapped inside a cycle , where things jus go over and over again and it will not stop. honestly in da entry of my journal i really wrote something truthful . in my las sentence i wrote in my journal was '' I WANT TO ACHIEVE SOMETING IN MY LIFE '' and ''I WANT MY LIFE TO HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF COLOUR'' . Haizzz ...


btw thx to my beloved sun niu( seemun ) for leting me hear ''that thing''

woohoo i bought a book yesterday!!! so happpy !! wonder why i so happy? cause till now i still cannot get over my psp incident .. and i seriously ned to be occupy or else i will be thinking alot of stuff AGAIN..anyway this book basically is bout abuse. so far i read only 13pg nia lol ....and i really like a quote in these pages i read so far. which is ''love is a golden that runs through it all, that draws us out of the dark days and into the fluttering light'' cool right... anyway i really luv this book and i planned to read it slowly cause later if i read it fast den i got nothing to do liaoz. actually i got a book borrower person , da can lend me wan but she scared that i made dirty her books...she lend me de first book and it is atrocious da she gave me da book....lol den de second book was rather ok jus da at de side is kinda black nia .
after i read finsi hde sec book liaoz den actually she wanna lend me another one den she said she cannot find it. dunno whether real anot.... anyway that is why i hav no choice but to buy it lorz. so expensive sia haizzz. actually is not totatlly bad da i lost my psp leh . cause because of it i kinda developed interest in reading . but becuase of da new interest i ned spent alot money on books lorz so expensive!!!

haizz i think it can help my english ba....*thinking of the brightside =)

everyday i feel terrible ....i have no idea why..but it seem that i am started to get use to lonely, and started to hate social , having fun and crowds....in every place it seem that i am alwayz de one da is being forgotten or maybe being hated by people. feeling really depress and hollow inside . i realized that i have no friend in sec school, not that kind u could able to talk secret , share ur deep feelings and play with. i tot that i have found my friend in sec school but i think i was wrong , i realized that as human gets older , ugly sides of human start surfacing and that is why i could not share anything to anyone is jus da trust is gone , i dun believe any1 ,i'm afraid da de person might treat it as a joke ,i'm afraid da de person might jus backstabbed me somehow. 'protection' wall is surrounding me and it is getting bigger and bigger and my trust to people become lesser and lesser , now after losing my psp i started think more stuff and so i also keep on dwelling on sad stuff too.. everyday is so boring , sickening hope SOMETHING could jus happen in my life.....................

very first outing with roy after DA incident....

a few days ago , roy started to talk to me on msn, i did not ignored him and even chat with him. Den he ask me this sat if i am free to go out with him and i agreed to with him lorz cause i think this is a wonderful chance to be friend with him again . on that actual day i met him under his house ( btw his house is jus opposite my house and during de time we quarrel we did not even meet each other ). when he saw me far away , he was like turn to de other side and pretended not seeing me =.= *so obvious...

we get along kinda well along the way to kbox at marina and we did not hav any awkward feeling instead we talk as if nothing had happened and i like this kind of feeling and at that moment i really felt da talking to him really made me feel veri good , even at some time i still hav a little bit of feeling da he is better my situ family . my better refer to , being close to me , able to make me feel a part , able to made me talk to him with no worries ..... and once i have that kind feeling, it made me feel kinda pathetic or even remorseful i dunno why, i just got da kind of feeling or maybe i jus dun wan to know why am i feeling this way? probably....probably feeling scared to open my heart to know de answer.....

At de kbox we have a wonderful time!! seriously roy and i are really high and getting to it. i remembered going kbox with situ too but ... it felt different from now.....different in the good way or the bad way? no idea.......

roy dun listen to pop songs and stuff , he listened to songs which is old REALLY OLD....so he selected a song which is really outa ur mind.....wanna know wad isit ask me personally. I dun wanna exposed it to everyone later he scold me =)

after de kbox , my mood brightened up and i had forgotten all my worries , troubles and all de disgusting things i had been dwelling on .... den we go KFC and eat . eat eat eat den his handphone rang and his auntie called. actually we wanted to go walk around but after de call he wants to go to his grandma house to hav dinner which means da he gonna pang sei me ... i was really angry at da time sia ....he was like everything like da wan lorz... pang sei me in de middle of de fun .....argh...den he said da he is gonna be nice and accompany till it reached jurong east there , den he take de other train to go back to outrum park which is where his ah ma house is. At da time i feel kinda happy and felt kinda shocked da he is saying this kind of stuff but i dun think he is serious. anyway after KFC we go straight to de MRT station and at da station got one book store ma den i wanna to go c got wad abuse books ma den he suddenly say da he ned to go back to marina square again!!!! because ****** cannot say , ask me personally again cause later he will kill me.


den i was like wtf o back again? no way ! out of the question ! den he say nvm lorz u go home urself lorz. den i was really mad now and in my heart i said a loud ''FINE'' and i took a train back home without him. haizz so much for de wonderful feelings i had....all smashed and back to square one again....

still feeling angry now i really need time to take natural course lorz we'll c wad happen with me and roy lorz.....


troubled/learnt during de outing
-da i am a person that is really unclear about my feelings, i dunno wad i wan, dunno wad to do , dunno wad am i doing , dunno how i feel and dunno where i belong.....

april fool day =)

is been kinda long since i post...actually i wanna giv up my blog as because like no one was visting my blog and really wad is de point of spenting so much effort and time on it haizzzz anyway today is april fool's day

first of april is april fool's day as everyone know it , it is also my cars ''death anniversary'' as because last year during de first of april i went to de cemetary to clean my granddad's tomb and after that my dad drove us back to my grandma house to hav dinner . when suddenly at de cross junction , my dad wanna to turn left and as de lorry is blocking my dad's view and my dad jus move. about 1metre from my car there is a lorry coming towards our way and de lorry jus go thru my car's ''head'' . luckily de lorry did not hit de body of de car or else i might not be alive. we quickly run out from my car and we were really shock by wad we saw....as we could actually die if our car jus move a little bit and i could jus die. de impact is so big....anyway after a few week later after we get over it , my mom said da my grandpa is giving me a april fool surprize.....lol 0(=.=)0


how i feel this week

haizzz feel like everyone seem to hate me......
situ and me is drifting apart ...........