self-sacrifice is not a Noble thing , sacrificing for someone else and did not even try other alternate method to help the person is some one who is selfish , very selfish. sacrificing for someone only leave the miserable and guiltiness on that person , so who is suffering in the end? So sacrificing isit still a good thing?In what extend?

self-sacrifices = self satisfaction = selfish?

can YOU believe it??!!

can YOU believe itttt??? can u believe that a person is afraid of a science topic??!! not just afraid is terrified by it and will feel weak after going through the topic!! sound crazy? it is happening to me

my most feared chapter is finally here.....the topic is called [transport in human] where by u have to learn all kinds of blood , internal organ and so on . so i guess is kinda clear wad am i afraid of right?
actually i dun really know if i have a phobia of blood or wad. i just know that whenever people or teacher starts to talk about these kind of stuff i would just get weak and feel really uncomfortable as if gonna faint or something
whatsmore is that this is a very big chapter , in fact is the biggest chapter of all in my bio and the hardest

so i have two things to worried , one is i am afraid that i am unable to cope , second is HOW AM I GONNA STUDY WHEN I AM FEARED IT??!!! i guess all i could do is to confront my fear ba haizzz zzzz
seriously ...it definitely sounds pretty weird right? is like a person who is feared of this kind of thing , take biology zzz i topic whereby it concerned about the human body zzzz. but actually i have no choice lorz , cause i know i could not do well in physic whereby the machines and technical stuff are learned and i am definitely sucks in that , that why i took F&N den D&T also. so how am i gonna face my fear!!!! so much for being interested in biology now and wanted do well zzzzz den this kind of thing happen to me.... zzzzz

i supposed i have no choice but to face lorz zzzzz good luck to me ba *people(to ks and sm)

distances between THEM......

feeling really empty 2day...i felt really uncomfortable with people that are smart and i meant really smart or at least smarter den me. i just cannot stand de atmosphere there , it really suffocate me and it is as if emphasizing my stupid-ness. i just cannot stayed there any longer that i just stood up and left.

Again , i felt de emo-ness in me once again plus some worried-ness in me. wad do i worried? i am now worried about my study now . i realized and i've sort of woke up. i realized how was i spending my days in pioneer these 3years....i felt totally disgraced 4 some reason. 2day in chem lesson we went to de lab. for some reasons bad things that is in this class is highlighted by me and i realized how stupid i was , how disgraceful to be in his class. my class may b in a express stream , on the outside looking very well covered , beautiful and honour but in fact , inside we are rotting nothing glamorous about at all. we are probably worst den people from normal stream as reflected by almost all of our teacher. i felt embarrassment in me...totally disappointed in me, nothing glorious about me hence even a most little compliment it could put a smile on me. i yearn for praises and compliment....*i am so pathetic.....


ii am soo dumb , so stupid , so idiotic , i cannot even do a simple thing well at all.i really do not wan 2 say da i hate myself or feeling myself useless or a failure but seriously isit possible? isit possible after soo many things that happened.

things that are out of my principal making me hurt and hateful after doing it....IS this what u all want? it may seem that de victim is alwayz the one who hurts but the person somehow hurts more. going against principal ,insulted, being degraced by other , being hate by other , being ignore by others. *tired....

people in my class area t least better den me in one way or another. they are either good in sports , socialised or probably able to play some instrument. but me? nothing....i dun think any1 is able to say something nice about me , something worthy ....even if he/she is able to say , i believed that it will take a long time for them to think....

going back to , i stood up and left. after i stood up and left , for the first time i start to walk aimlessly. truely aimlessly , i do not know where am i going , holding my hp , hearing sad songs and kept walking and walking. during the aimlessly walking , every steps is so hard to take , my footsteps are simply just heavy...i kept walking and walking as if waiting to go to some world that are unknown and filled with dark clouds and sadness.

every steps taken , bring billion of thoughts shooting in all direction in my mind. some thoughts are repeated over and over again endlessly.....
as i walked , i noticed that i am really used to be alone , in places which is deserted made me feel happier den.....

anyway i just felt the distance and boundary between me and people from other express classes, i felt uncomfortable now. i felt disgraceful , i felt terrible .
in addition , the people who i felt uncomfortable with today are my situ zzzzz haizz.....

*dun take this personally...is just how i feel

recognitions...

2day is definitely de best day ever after soo many gloomy , boring and sickening days i had.
i had finally prove everyone...*

today is national day , we choir performed today and i was one of the solo-ist the feelling definitely rocks. after soo many time spent and sweat we had , we finally shown de best side of choir.

i sang 'home' and i was de first one to sing. i was supposed to stand onto the stage and sing. the minute i stood there , i felt my lips , hand , legs are trembling then as de music starts i told myself that this the best time to show off my best now . to prove everyone that i am capable !!!

throwing away all my fears and thought and just concentrate on my singing. i did not care about my surrounding at all , i was as if fall into a dark silent hall where there are no one except me singing.

i saw my teacher(s) were somehow cheering on me. one teacher i saw was my fav teacher miss Diana!!! woohoo she was like , soo happ, she cheer and it really made me feel very happy very contented.

after i sing finish my part , i felt a great contentment in me . i gave off my best and i had finally prove everyone. words just could not express my feelings. if i as giving another second to be on the stage it will be worth. i really enjoy how the people cheer me on and clap for me. i am touch.....for me , is already beyond recongnition....

the performance was a success , my hardworks paid off. after the performance i had receive many positive comments which i really yearn. my long lost positive comments finnally come back!! i feeling more confident now , now the upcoming competition (garage battle) i definitely gonna join.

i have two thoughts in my mind today , one is that is ofcourse the recognition. second is that i hope that after this performance people woould have a better impression of choir and probably change their mind to join choir. i really hope that choir would become a very popular CCA after i left.i had made a pact with seemun i dun think she rememberes it, we said that 2gether , before we left choir we must made choir very successful and popular before we left that is de only wish we bear in choir for now....hope this performance would make a different in me and in de choir....=)

know the boundary.....

during sat i have my blazing race , even though we did not win anything but i felt da WE( zong sheng sheralin ,seemun , kah shin), our relationship had pulled closer , i am definitely glad about this. Really hope situ would stay like this , anyway the time we gonna spent with each other is getting lesser and lesser. is already august and before i knew it , we will be graduated. last time during my last day of my primary school i have no doubt that our relationship with my primary school friends will not drift apart no matter wad , but i wasn't sure about this anymore.....

yesterday was sunday , it was already been one week since da incident. i am somehow glad that my situ did not ask about why i cry and so on , or probably they never saw that post at all . the action i did , i did not regret at all...


but sometimes , i really wonder. why do people want to test ones's limit and force the person to do things that is out of his/her principal. when that happened , both the victim and the person are hurt. is it worth? but in fact , the person who is being force to do things that he/she do not one to do tend to hurt more den the victims. this thoughts i don't think anyone would be able to understand , they definitely did not go through this thing at all.

''i want to protect , protect people around me , protect with all my ability as i can. but why did you push me over the edge and made me do this? i want to make people happy as i can. please do not banish the last good thought in my mind ,to made everyone happy. please do not made me feel that , being a good a person is hard , impossible and definitely be hated by everyone''

H-S-I-W-H*