exhausted , torn and crestfallen. i wanna slow down my pace.....i wanna stay put and stop moving...

every steps and decision comes with all sort of consequences, every steps i made seems to be painful , every decision i made seems to be so wrong.

i dun wish to move forward , i dun wish to social. However , i wasn't given any choice.
all i wanna do is to enjoy the cold breeze , cut off all social line with any1 and just lie onto the cold hard floor with petals landing on my crestfallen and aged facial appearance.

SP is not yet cured , just as i promised , i might go back to situ when sp is over. however it seems to be my one-sided wishful thinking. i dun expect that they would yearn for my return , in fact i can't and i'm terrified to have any expectation anymore. But they seems to be as imbecile and shallow. or are they just being innocents and free minded , and that jealousy rendered me into feeling this way.

i'm a complex person when it comes to emotions and relationship. i'm unable to let go even the person had long forgotten me. i'm know such though is really foolish and dumb because in the end , no one would ever appreciate the agony you've gone through for that fking person. i'll always have the urge to check out my primary school's friend's happenings and i will always be dissed and left stunned in front of my desktop. jealousy in me was soo strong that the sight of happiness in my friends irks me. i would feel empty and compared their filled with happening life and my worthless life. i would feel like staying in the corner like a scarred animal dreading to experience the light. That moment , it gave me a painful reason to move on again and work hard for my study. i felt that by doing so , after meeting my friends they will be envious about my achievement academically because thats is the only thing i can excel and do well if i work hard.
but i just dun wanna to move!!!!! but i can't afford to spin around the spot!!!! i wanna proof !!! but proof to who?.......

this society is such a terrible place to be in.on the superficial it seems like chances and opportunities are there but turning them around , you'll see dozens of people struggling and trying their best to achieve such glimpse chances. that sure is pathetic....i'm in this now. among the sea of humans , i'm just a worthless , puny and useless bit of sand settled in a big pool of sands. i wanna affect the big pool of it .....but how? i wanna be in a entertainment industry but is this right for me??
you only have just once to do things in this lifetime , once going haywire , youth ,money or probably reputation will be the payment to move on.

theres several things i wanna do - to be a singer , learn dancing and be a novelist if possible. but all these are hard to balance them. right now , o level is in front of me but i'm tired to move on....i'm bushed....

memories

Its been around 4months , considered a pretty long time. Millions of things could happen during that amount of time.Small matters or big matters both can affect your life in some way or another, just a matter of being observant or not.

Its been around 4months since i left them.....

aside all resentment or grudge , frankly speaking , no one is able to forget small little things that happened between you and your friends not even when both set their ways in different path. an action, a sentence or even a emotion could racks up simple memories between your friend and yourself , bad ones, good ones , sad ones , funny ones , depressed ones , crazy ones . those are indeed the stuff that u would suddenly stumbled on , stopped , remember , recalling and able to carve a upward curve arc on your face.

it been around 4months since i left them and those memories are still vividly in my mind , as if it happened yesterday and i'm still having fun with them. having said all these , readers must be feeling that i yearn to go back to them however it wasn't so. though i'm having fun however , it seemed that unhappiness had a greater mass in my heart. Right now , in this group , i'm able to pronounced this relationship as a [clique] without much hesitation or doubt and this is definitely something i'm proud of in my sec life.


a question popped in my mind recently when i was daydreaming in lesson time(chemistry) . I found the question kinda bizarre , because practically everyone never thought about the situation when their relationship would become such alien conclusion someday i mean they would have to face such problems like how are they gonna face them ? what are they gonna do? no one seem to thought about it probably because they are optimistic while i'm not. therefore it makes me wonder , what if someday my clique will break the bond and going to separate ways. will our relationship be dragged further and further till we do not recognized each other anymore? i do dread and found it horrendous when i thought about it, how about you?


i could barely see the finishing line out my sec life.....i'm shivering....


though is just february , but everyday seems to pass so quickly before i realized. it really send a cold ticklish feeling in my spine, i dun wish to leave the school that i've spend my whole 4years in. it is filled with memories.....however i guess it is really inevitable , everyone just have to been through such thing called the [ farewell ]. it sucks and it hurts however this is the obsticle that u have to go through before u can move on. therefore , i absolutely detest saying similar words like
that- [farewell] . who knows , maybe the minute u said farewell and watched his shadow slowly fade away might be the last time u will be saying such thing to him/her.


memories maybe something that is sweet where u can have flashbacks that could brighten up your day. in my opinion , i would rather not have such ludicrous stuff, simply because , you cannot change them to reality anymore , after the flashbacks , it disses you to be hopelessly alone. on the contrary , it brings more emptiness in you.
i dun wish to look at the things i'm seeing now to be through my heart and mind....


memories is hateful yet sweet...

another resentment and ranting post

As usual i was doing my fking hw yesterday and realized that my hmwk simply just vanish into thin air. with a diao face , i just sat down and get pretty close to a derangement. in deep cogitating , i felt even more fed up and i starting lamenting vulgar in my room because i suddenly felt that all these stuff i'm doing is so damn meaningless . i got very sick of my life and i have no time to relax myself at all. i'm piled with a mountain of hw , is like hw after hw after hw or test after test after test arghhh this cycle doesn't seem to end at all!!

i know everyone have been chanting around me saying 0 level and i'm self-conscious about it. such repetition of words simply convert it into a fed up and piss situation automatically.

that is how i find my drive to work- hearing compliments and no bad remarks. even though bad remarks is good and blah blah blah but still, compliments is also necessary Right???!!!!
(not talking about you , ah hulk dun take it personally)

after feeling fuming , i laid on the gate of my dreamland waiting for my window to close and the gate to my dreamland to open.
zzzzzz
zzzzz
zzzzzz
the gate of my dreamland just slammed at my face and i woke up. i felt totally uncomfortable as if i was being fucked the day before or probably having menses in the morning(* all these never experiences before so dun call the police)

when a human bomb is walking around , stay vigilant and stay away from me or else the impact could be drastic (*duh, opps i mean doo~~). the victim who kana this was a girl that i love alot which is.......MY MOM!!! i know u are thinking that using the word girl is inappropriate but what else should i call her? a old hag? of course la. C(~.~)D paisei hor mummy!!! i bua you translation - i love you!!!

after a long day at school i finally simmer down and back to my daily schedule. all struggle the previous day seems to be in vain lol @[-O_O-]@