staying at home , i'll alwayz feel bored however this holiday i really rejuvenated and relieved.
away from all the damn thing that made me wonder about , stress and worried. i feel really stupid , why should i even bother by what other people do anyway , such a fool i am .....
more time at home = more thinking through of things
realizing that the amount of friends i have can be counted using one hand. i was rather stunned by the amount of FRIENDS i have and i'm not talking about best friend.
situ--gone
primary school friend - one
secondary school friend - three
The only primary school friend i have , our relationship are slowly drifting away.
For secondary school friend one is secondary2 and our relationship ain't that close either, the other two , one i just started to be friends with her hence not so close .
so total up i have one FRIEND!!! woohoo
coming to such pathetic ending , i brought it upon myself. my incompetence of maintaining a friendship , my ridiculous expectations from friends and most of all because of my SP
i question myself , is it because how they neglected me , how they ignore me and how they blamed me on things that they don't know , that caused me to leave them?
As i seek for answer , i finally realized that those WERE PART of the reasons , the main reason still voice down to my SP
because of my SP , i know that my friends would felt that i am weird in some ways or another and of course i had did something that caused them to have bad impressions. therefore , i left to protect myself till the day my SP is cure.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
they hate me.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND.....
despite staying at home , more things happen than at school , things that are neither bad nor good.
i realized that I am not good at maintaining a friendship . one of my situ friend told me that she find me a jerk and irritating after getting along with my new found friend that i believed that they are true. however those words said by her made me felt like despicable bustard , i'm made to feel hollow, lonely and left alone.
is it all my fault? should i apologized?
she said that they hated me.......
i'm able to picture the scene how they bad mouth and said those the two dreading words....
all a while , i wanted to maintain a good image. i tried very hard , i make myself fake by wearing mask so that people could enjoy the way i am. all a while i tried all my best to care and help so that people would never hate and would imagine me as a person that worth to be remembered.
pursuing all these seem to be stupid , on the contrary , i failed and everyone hate me now moreover is the people that i dear and people that helped me.
am i wrong to have friends?
either on both side , i am unable to maintain a balance.
i'm really speechless now , all i'm doing seem to be wrong. i had totally lost confident , i am really afraid to make any steps anymore .
i brought it upon myself.....if saying sorry is what u want , i'll say it until u will be satisfied , until i feel like a dog with no pride and confident.
endless fear.....
yesterday(sunday), is my family gathering where all my cousins , relative etc comes to my grand's house but as because yesterday was my cousin's birthday so we went out and makan!!! i'm soo looking forward to it....yummy!!! hahahahahazz
when we had reached our destination , such coincidence, my relative had just reached as well.
Walking towards the restaurant , my uncle suddenly approached me and asked me about my study, about did i pass , did i promote etc. after i said that i did pass and promoted , He complemented me with much recognition . from there, it made me feel rather strange , because i thought that promoting was supposed to be a MUST to my family especially.
after questioning me , my uncle turned , went towards my dad and secretly told my dad something like how he asked me those question.
my family sat 2gether and my dad was sitting beside me. my dad suddenly just spoke to me something about my study again , just like my uncle and this is where i discovered the truth .
i have a cousin who is the same age as me ....my dad told me that that cousin had retained. i was really dumbfounded and rather flabbergasted. i alwayz thought that my cousin was smart as least smarter den me but i supposed what the newspaper had wrote was true. i read the newspaper a few weeks back , it stated that a lot of students mainly from schools from the west side , either drop or retained.
that news ruined my appetite more or less. i kept pondering over that news.
until when its time to go home , my family sat in the car and we started talking about the retained news. members of my family to those who do not know the news just now was shocked and felt the way i was.
gradually , they started to talk about the things that happened during the day of the collection of o level results which specifically happened to my sisters. my mum accompanied my second sis and my mum describe the scene as [cruel] this is because she saw many people broke down and tore apart during that day and that include my sister as she did not pass eng.
Quote from my mom : '' those who did well were over the moon and those who did not, even despite their effort , their future is just bleak as if falling into an endless pit.''
this sentence made me shiver and made my spine feel chilly cold.
as for my eldest sis , she is the one who is over the moon and i'm definitely felt envious about her ''happenings'' . Also , she shared with us about that she had a friend who is now 26 is only entering university now.
That moment , i could really feel the tension and the cruelty the society is.
i did feel the urge and found my drive to work hard , but at the same time i feel that everything still voiced down to why do people have to work hard , in the sense that after you work hard a word would literally comes to my mind '' then?'' or ''after that?'' i would unable to answer that.
so am i gonna blindly work towards my goals till the day i die?
what do i yearn? what do earn after that? i'm confused ......
when we had reached our destination , such coincidence, my relative had just reached as well.
Walking towards the restaurant , my uncle suddenly approached me and asked me about my study, about did i pass , did i promote etc. after i said that i did pass and promoted , He complemented me with much recognition . from there, it made me feel rather strange , because i thought that promoting was supposed to be a MUST to my family especially.
after questioning me , my uncle turned , went towards my dad and secretly told my dad something like how he asked me those question.
my family sat 2gether and my dad was sitting beside me. my dad suddenly just spoke to me something about my study again , just like my uncle and this is where i discovered the truth .
i have a cousin who is the same age as me ....my dad told me that that cousin had retained. i was really dumbfounded and rather flabbergasted. i alwayz thought that my cousin was smart as least smarter den me but i supposed what the newspaper had wrote was true. i read the newspaper a few weeks back , it stated that a lot of students mainly from schools from the west side , either drop or retained.
that news ruined my appetite more or less. i kept pondering over that news.
until when its time to go home , my family sat in the car and we started talking about the retained news. members of my family to those who do not know the news just now was shocked and felt the way i was.
gradually , they started to talk about the things that happened during the day of the collection of o level results which specifically happened to my sisters. my mum accompanied my second sis and my mum describe the scene as [cruel] this is because she saw many people broke down and tore apart during that day and that include my sister as she did not pass eng.
Quote from my mom : '' those who did well were over the moon and those who did not, even despite their effort , their future is just bleak as if falling into an endless pit.''
this sentence made me shiver and made my spine feel chilly cold.
as for my eldest sis , she is the one who is over the moon and i'm definitely felt envious about her ''happenings'' . Also , she shared with us about that she had a friend who is now 26 is only entering university now.
That moment , i could really feel the tension and the cruelty the society is.
i did feel the urge and found my drive to work hard , but at the same time i feel that everything still voiced down to why do people have to work hard , in the sense that after you work hard a word would literally comes to my mind '' then?'' or ''after that?'' i would unable to answer that.
so am i gonna blindly work towards my goals till the day i die?
what do i yearn? what do earn after that? i'm confused ......
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
beautiful experience
today, i went for CIP at the mentally disable center.
i remembered the last time i have to act and say SMALL words like '' oh very good'' , '' this way , that way'' , ''good job'' etc , that experience was definitely irritating i dun wish to talk about it. anyway , today i have to do the same . However whats different is that i enjoy it, i felt pretty elated and contented.
At the very first , what brings with me was the CIP points that i want that is all , and at de end what brings home with me is the happiness , contentment and lots of thinking-through-of-things.
when we had reached our destination , i did saw people who are ''usual'' but i remembered what my teacher said about showing our emotions hence i hid it and pouring out vague feelings to them.
when its time to interact with them , i was rather dumbfounded and would not want to act and say those SMALL words to them. i stationed at a table whereby there are 3 ''patients'' at first i did feel rather irritated as i have to act and use the words , however i gradually found out that they are really not as D**B as i thought. some are rather bright , many were fun to be with. from there , even i had to use small words to them , at the very least i did not act, i pour out my true feelings and enjoy myself.
after everything we head home and i am really contented with what i did.
one of the things i realized was '' when somethings you could not solve , think of it in other ways , dun alwayz think the matter as straight and narrow , look around and you'll discover unbelievable things or even the things you wanted to solve does not matter anymore''
i remembered the last time i have to act and say SMALL words like '' oh very good'' , '' this way , that way'' , ''good job'' etc , that experience was definitely irritating i dun wish to talk about it. anyway , today i have to do the same . However whats different is that i enjoy it, i felt pretty elated and contented.
At the very first , what brings with me was the CIP points that i want that is all , and at de end what brings home with me is the happiness , contentment and lots of thinking-through-of-things.
when we had reached our destination , i did saw people who are ''usual'' but i remembered what my teacher said about showing our emotions hence i hid it and pouring out vague feelings to them.
when its time to interact with them , i was rather dumbfounded and would not want to act and say those SMALL words to them. i stationed at a table whereby there are 3 ''patients'' at first i did feel rather irritated as i have to act and use the words , however i gradually found out that they are really not as D**B as i thought. some are rather bright , many were fun to be with. from there , even i had to use small words to them , at the very least i did not act, i pour out my true feelings and enjoy myself.
after everything we head home and i am really contented with what i did.
one of the things i realized was '' when somethings you could not solve , think of it in other ways , dun alwayz think the matter as straight and narrow , look around and you'll discover unbelievable things or even the things you wanted to solve does not matter anymore''
Thursday, November 05, 2009
i hate social
today is another terrifying social day again....but firstly i would like to thank sheralin , i know that she is trying to help me but i'm really sorry , i just could not bring myself over. but i am really grateful and thankful to you. i am really glad that i had at least told someone about it and sheralin had really boost my confident in socialing with other people that is why i would dare to go 4 this kind of social stuff but i guess i'm too fast to think that i'm ready to do so. i have to let nature take course, that is the only way......
The BBQ is really a terrifying incident...i was really traumatized by what happened there....i felt like a fool...no one care , i was really scared as if i'm at the edge of the cliff. i felt helpless.
but i could not believe that i am so foolish , so imbecile that i'm convinced that my ''friends'' would ''assist'' me but no one approached me . i felt totally naked and shamed there.
even a few days after the BBQ , i went online and visit the facebook and saw the photo of the BBQ , i have all sort of petrified flashbacks , i was haunt , screaming deperately inside and crushed..
my ''friends'' just could not understand why i behave this way , they never asked at all they just blamed and hate u *as alwayz.
i ponder over the de SP i just coould not understand why , of all people why me? my inner self is really slowly being devour by it , i am really scared.....
i finally decide to share this to my friend , is really hard to bring this up but eventually i did and i am glad that i did. i felt much better after saying. I could feel the devil inside slowly retreating....
reason why is hard to say because i pictured that once i told a person , he/she would laugh , gave u a weird expression or probably the relationship will slowly drift away.
after saying, i am sure to say that there are SOMEONE there , SOMEONE who understand.
The BBQ is really a terrifying incident...i was really traumatized by what happened there....i felt like a fool...no one care , i was really scared as if i'm at the edge of the cliff. i felt helpless.
but i could not believe that i am so foolish , so imbecile that i'm convinced that my ''friends'' would ''assist'' me but no one approached me . i felt totally naked and shamed there.
even a few days after the BBQ , i went online and visit the facebook and saw the photo of the BBQ , i have all sort of petrified flashbacks , i was haunt , screaming deperately inside and crushed..
my ''friends'' just could not understand why i behave this way , they never asked at all they just blamed and hate u *as alwayz.
i ponder over the de SP i just coould not understand why , of all people why me? my inner self is really slowly being devour by it , i am really scared.....
i finally decide to share this to my friend , is really hard to bring this up but eventually i did and i am glad that i did. i felt much better after saying. I could feel the devil inside slowly retreating....
reason why is hard to say because i pictured that once i told a person , he/she would laugh , gave u a weird expression or probably the relationship will slowly drift away.
after saying, i am sure to say that there are SOMEONE there , SOMEONE who understand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
