my b'day...

i never thought my birthday would be so.....significant....

when i log on to my facebook , i saw 14 notification there and it was my friends , wishing me....thanks....

not being exaggerating but everything seems so surreal. it like a dream, a wonderful one.
everything is so wonderful since the time i woke up even until now typing this post. everything goes smoothly...too smoothly that i could hardly believe...

the sky was in its best shape and the sun was shining brightly as if it is touching my face with its gentle warm ray....

i had never thought me birthday would be so significant to anyone. i thought 29 of may was just a simple plain day , well at least to me. however after today , having so many friend's blessings and wishes , i can be a little somewhat conceited to say my birthday IS significant....

i always have a million things to type about and surprisingly , i'm unable to deliver the gratitude i have in me about today. hmm what does it shows? my overwhelming gratitude cannot be put into words ?

one weird scene kept scanning past my brain. it is a scene where i am had just settled onto this world , lying in a incubator. in my puny shell , i lifted my head a little and saw all my friends in towering figure. i was being showered by their love , they touched my head and were in jubilation about my existence.

why this scene? what does it shows? haha...bizarre huh...

what more can i say? having so many people blessings and wishes... it is extravagant enough...i will be too much if i asked for more....

thank you everyone....

complex....

geezz.....i've been surfing on the net searching for my primary school friends.
i want to know how they are doing these days ,
i want to know if they are as happy as me ,
i want to know if they are as pathetic as me ,
i want to know if they are excelling academically,
i want to know about them....

however.....why on earth would i want to find out all these?.....i'm mocking myself....

i look at their photos and found that each and every one of their album are being filled with indescribable happiness and faces blemished by bright smiles..... they are having so much fun in school.....outings organized in school....pure innocent friends that is by their side...can simply rest their mind , no need to be on guard practically for 24h.....

i'm tired mentally as being tormented by all those emotions issue yet on the contrary , they are tired physically because their life is wonderful and ain't boring at all.

having to compare their life to mine , i felt like a smallest grain of sand being thrown or ditched into a large pool of infinite sand , unnoticeable , neglected and useless....

my life is boring.....i hate my life.... is a agony to open my eyes and allowing the sun rise to greet my damn eyes....

i believed the worst choice i made was to enroll in this fucking school and spent my precious 4 years of my life in it....they do not think is a honour or whatsoever that people enter to that school .once enter that school , they treat u like dirt .life was never happy .people in this school is sickening , annoying and i seriously feel extremely degrading with them...

THAT FUCKING SCHOOL TOOK AWAY MY HAPPINESS!!.....so long , my precious 4 years....

i felt like a complete retarded , now that i had seen my friends progress.....
academically? far from them i believe...relationship? just by looking at their friend list in their facebook and compare to mine....

my worst and most disgraceful thing was the number of friends i have...not even including true friends..... i'm sick and tired...

seriously , if i were to enroll in a good school, even to be in normal stream , it would absolutely be worth it.
perhaps , friends there are much down-to-earth? perhaps , i will be happier? perhaps, my blog will not even existed....

i envy those people who are somewhat born to have such interesting life and being shrouded by unlimited love

life will be good if there are no greed
life will be good if there are no jealousy
life will be good if there are no sexual attractions
life will be good if there are no stress
life will be good if there are no exams
life will be good if there are no comparisons
life will be good if there are no challenges
life will be good if there are are conflicts
life will be good if there are no bias
life will be good if there are no limitations
life will be good if there are no complacency
life will be good if there are no time limit....

happy b'day youtube

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!
*MUAHXXX MUAHHXXXXX

i believe youtube is the best best best best creation of website on net!!!
maybe not for all of you , however , to me, youtube had made a impact on my life.
For superficial people they might think that youtube is only a pioneer in video sharing websites where you can dig out entertainment and carve a upward arc on your faces.

however for me , it literally opened my eyes wide as i watched those people from all over the world.

crazy people , hilarious people , people who want to bring entertainment to others , people who wanted to pursue their dreams etc , all of these voices to , people who wanna to be heard.

those kind of people embarked their journey of their dream on the special platform- youtube
some managed to jump out from box and made a fortune or achieved extreme fame where everyone know who you are , well at least on youtube.

no mattter what is the case , their main motive is to be heard and simply just to have fun!!

for the upcoming decision i'm making- a youtube vid .i'm actually overwhelmed by a combination of emotion . fear . excitement . fear is probably because i might not be adore by anyone on youtube and excitement is because i'm going to be a part of youtube ,on the video sections. no longer being a audience and finally creating a platform for myself was really exciting and dumbfounded.
i'm just like a new born child , slowly and cautiously crawling into the forbidden world where it is absolutely unknown what awaits me

As i slowly unlock the secret bit by bit , i hope i have audience with me and witness this extraordinary journey i'm gonna embarked =)

how i feel....

i could really feel the stress being compressed on me. it is literally bringing me down on my knees. i am bound by olevel and no matter how i try to struggle, i am unable to break free of it. the pressure of O is haunting me everyday , every night and every passing second.all thanks to the fucking O , i am now in a state of derangement and i can feel myself getting mad gradually. when frustrations , anger , irritations , stress , depressions and humiliation is being smacked right onto your face, how on earth should you react to it? well , i just swallowed them. however it gave me aftermath , those thought will gave me flashbacks , reminding and emphasizing on my incompetent and all sort of bad remarks. i am not a determined nor a mentally strong person to start with , hence with such weak fortitude, i am now on the edge. all i could say is that all these are absolutely madness, unable to break free and unable to escape. i am as if stuck in a spiral staircase , endlessly and no chance of escape at all. i'm really getting mad.....even the slightest enjoyment i am having gave me guilt ,which said in repetition '' you are definitely going to doom for your O''. it shudders me and the pressure in me is gradually destroying and wiping all my last bit of humanity. i wonder what is next after i am mentally tortured , going insane? having not to do anything about my studies had further proven the incompetent and all the bad remarks that everyone has been saying. i am really scared to look into the future , will i do well? will i not do well? or i have no future at all - dead. death is really the end of everything, it is the biggest full stop that will not be continued regardless the story is completed or not.


i am going to snap anytime....

indeed, time flies. i could now set my vision on the biggest obstacle of my life - olevel.
i imagined the outcome after i received my result, i was left utterly horrendous after thinking about it. road to ITE , road to a blemished and bleak future , i fear.

despite all the shit i confessed but seems like it isn't changing into a practical action. it sucks.

realizing i am considerably a sadistic or malice person . in case you , readers , didn't know i'm a pretty ''enclosed'' person , this is also why i chose to take this agonizing decision and drift away from socializing. anyway , being a somewhat ''emo'' person and created this boundary which separated me from the crowd had surprisingly made me feel rather irritated whenever their face is carved with a upward arc. i hope it is jealously and not hatred that is being triggered in me.

whatever the reason is , i should not have such negative feelings in me*right? i supposed a typical person would just wish them happy and carried on with his/her own business . however , it seems hard for me to move on.

a bizarre feeling had been implant in my heart nowadays. in school , whenever i looked at her i feel hmmm a indescribable feeling , plausibly combination of happiness and jealousy however it does not irks me, instead it made my heart go *''woohoo , yeah!!!'' in a party mood. haha weird huh zzzz....

anyway , i supposed that u readers know that i wanna work in a music industry-singer right? hence , i been wondering about posting a video of me , singing and upload in youtube. this matter had been revolving around my mind lately and i had only told vangie about it. she is supportive and encouraged me to execute this idea. zzz however , i'm a person who needs alot of recognition from other people before i do anything .To find this recognitions , i got to ask many people about this and hopefully all of them were positive with this idea and THEN i can take this step. please tell me your comment here in my chatbox *my chatbox so dead de >.< , and tell me if i should really do this =) thanks for reading =))